A Tuesday to remem

the disappointment is juz setting in.

i feel a slightly sprained right ankle, a scratched left knee, both sides of e butt aching tog with my hamstrings n a particularly painful left thigh. i feel my effort.

somehow, effort counts towards nth in e end. we ran; we left as also-rans.

it was a bad start, yet luck seemd to hint tt she was on our side. we played badly in our first match, got a thorough screwing fr coach during e half time break n played e 2nd half much better. n we got a penalty which cpt Gerald converted. n we won 1-0.

a diff hall 2 hockey team showed up in e 2nd match. we were so dominant, we played so well, we seemed like pros. but there was no score n e game went to penalty flicks. n when we were down to our last flicker with e score at 1-1, e onus was on us to win it. but e ball went down e wrong side of e post. n disappointment there was when in sudden death, we lost on e first flick.

n e last match, e decider it was to b, proved too hard for us to match up. Agst a team of ex sch team players n a national player, we were stumped. it was when basics were not enuf, yet was all we seemed to haf. n when they scored a fluke goal, it spelt e end of our heroic resistance. n there i was by e sidelines, itching to get on e pitch once again n run my calves out; yet i see my coach sitting on e stands chatting away, n e feeling of resignation n sadness swept me. n when i calmly analysed e situation as one of exposing e other players to a match condition, i lost my eagerness. i lost my enthusiasm. i lost my hope.

i lost me.

we lost e game.

for tis once, i can hold my head high n say tt i din cause e team to lose. for tis once, i can lift my chin high n say tt i played my hardest. for tis once, i can walk high n say tt i was a team player.

and as e team debrief went, i was waiting for coach to point out how we could've done better as a team, wad did we not do well enuf, y we were so outplayed. but all i heard was "i see u guys haf problems taking out their no. 6 (e national team player).." and i was stunned. bcoz there was nth much else he said... "mabe if more ppl had come for e trgs, i could've taught more n u guys could've had better understanding"... "try again next yr ok"...

no tt's not wad i wanted to hear.

n as e thank yous went on i tried hard to hold back e drops of water rolling in my eyes. indeed there was nth more i could've done. playing down e left flank, i had played my role to as fullest as i tink i could haf. in a sense, i've repaid e faith coach had in tis skinny guy he noes as "manager", who can't realli run yet ended up deployed in a position requiring lots of running. wad regrets can i haf?

and when e gers lost their quarters match on flicks, i found it hard to accept.. e same thing had happened twice to us in one day. it was too hard to accept.

n i continue to wear tis no. 11 jersey on my back. and e expectation tt comes along with tis no. comes down hard on me. pls remind me not to take tis no. anymore. i dun tink i can take a third time.. twice e failure twice e disappointment is too hard to swallow.

n as i let those drops of water roll down my cheek in tis small double room in hall, i will hold close in my heart these words -- jam them, drop sticks, play hard.

n deep in my heart they shall remain...