Religiously challenged

tis is a potentially harmful entry. pls do not read on if u are religious.

most of my frens will remem i was fr Boys' Brigade in sec sch. 4 yrs of it. in other words, it was my ECA (in my sch, it's called PAP - pupil activities program).

wad activities did we do in BB? lemme recall, v roughly.. a typical "parade" would start off with role call at 8am. E duty sergeant of e day would b e reporting ic to e volunteer officers. so e rest of us will juz form up in our squads n "take attendance". next would either b PT or drill. PT is physical trg, means we do situp pushup run abt. drill is all e sedia senangdiri n chepat jalans. of cos, drill is a lot more than tt lah. aniwae, next up would usu b a "badgework" lesson. cos we haf to take lessons n tests to get badges which we display on our left sleeve. badgework lessons incl first aid, expedition, target n blah blah. shan't go into details. there's badge for drill too.

so aft tt, we'd haf Christian Education lessons. ya there's badge for tis too. so we go thru e Bible n e volunteer officers guide us thru wad we r supposed to do for tt lesson, basically juz understandin e verses n their implications la. honestly, i can't remem much of these lessons. But i do remem John 3:16, cos it's e BB's urm, sth. =X aft tt, there's worship session, where an officer / senior sergeant / invited guest will lead, somewad like a normal service but much compressed. den we'll sing songs of praise n end off with a prayer. tis usu marked e end of e "parade". sometimes we haf games, sometimes we dun.

so y am i saying all these?

i was part of e admin squad in sec 3 n 4 (i.e. part of e top 6 runnin e company). i was e admin nco, which basically means i was e no.3, below e chair n vice-chair, Yaoquan n Kangjie respectively. of us 3, YQ is a convert, while KJ n me were free thinkers.

e admin squad was close to our teacher in charge, Ms Tang, cos well, we WERE e admin squad la (duh). she's a Christian, ahbuden. in addition, i was v close to Mr Ling, my sec 3 n 4 bio n form teacher, who's a Christian as well. Ms Tang was always trying (not overtly) to get me to open up to e Christian faith (with e ultimate goal to convert me lah), n sometimes, though rather rarely, Mr Ling will add some stuff by e sides.. back then, i remained a free thinker, n e basis of my non-responsiveness was mainly cos i was unconvinced. i remem tinkin tt so many things abt wad i'm readin n learnin din seem logical. hence, as much as i din reject, i din accept.

but remainin open is sth Ms Tang emphasised, n which i agreed to. i kept my tots, n heart, open. den in Dec 2001, i went to a certain Xmas concert with Mr Ling, Ms Tang, n brought along Kaiting (we were still frens den, of cos, we r still frens now). e concert had promised to b one with carols n songs n in celebration of Xmas. hence i had agreed, n invited a fren along. i remem e shock n agony i had when e concert din turn out to b a concert, but an open solicitation of money. justification? e faith. i was PISSED. i remem tis incident v vividly. cos i had brought along a fren, n it wasn't wad it was supposed to b. i expressed my anger to both teachers - i seldom hid my feelings. i vaguely remem tt day tt Ms Tang felt tt she had lost me. she din say it out, but her expression of disappointment was all over her face. sad, but resigned.

indeed, tis event did shut me partially off fr e faith. there were practices, featured prominently, which i din agree with. n i was stubborn. i still am, for tt matter.

nonetheless, perhaps rather unknown to most, i consciously told myself to remain open. typically, i'm a rather pessimistic n inferior-feeling n insecure person. many times, i haf felt e lure of religion. i mean, when u feel like shit, sometimes, u juz wanna fall back on sth. n tt to me, is e reason behind e adoption of religion. of cos, there r ppl who r faithful followers, who believe n trust. i respect u for u.

so recently, i was tokkin w Mr Ling.. n i told him, quite honestly, tt i feel myself becoming increasingly closed to his faith. n he concurred w my confession, thru his observation n feeling. n i couldn't understand wads causing / caused tis change in me.

i still dun.

but i guess, like wad i told Mr Ling, is tt i can't piece logic from tis faith. i'm too logical a person. no, not all e time i muz admit. there r times i'm a stupid idiot somehow or rather. but mostly, i use logic to explain my way out of things i dun understand.

my guess is herein lies e problem - faith cannot b explained by logic.

can u reali explain how e book of Genesis was written? y did God take 6 days to do wad he did? y did he rest on e 7th? how would u noe whether John n Matthew were not written by e same person? can u reali confirm it? would u realli noe if there were actually other books tt were not included in e final pdt? who decided wad went where?

mabe u haf an answer for all those.

but tis is wad i cannot understand, n cannot accept e most. in all sense of hypothetical nature, i cannot understand y ur God is all-powerful, magnanimous, has fore knowledge n all tt, but He couldn't give President George W Bush meaningful n gd advice. of cos, i'm biased agst e war.

tis next one is one tt i always ask, except tt on tt day while chatting w Mr Ling, i completed it. pls do not take offence. hypothetically, there's tis murderer. he's a serial killer. one fine day, he's caught n put behind bars awaiting trial. while awaiting trial, he learns of e faith. he's touched, remorseful, n becomes a believing follower. mortally, he's tried, convicted n capitally punished. spiritually, he's saved, n goes to ur heaven. there's tis normal person. when he was young, he had gotten help fr others when he needed. he grew up believing tt he shld do gd for society, n help others e way he had been helped. he doesn't earn much, but he volunteers at charities n donates money within his capacity. he's a non-believer (believing in doin gd is not believing). he dies, n goes to ur hell.

i ask, in all my mortality n with all my sins n wad n wad not: ur God is all tt i've listed abv. y can He not save tis other guy, who has done gd all his life, sinned someway or rather nonetheless bcoz u say tt Man sins, but save e guy who's robbed families of their totality, killed innocents, but realised The Way in prison? isn't it, if i may put it crudely, plainly bcoz He has promised tt whoever believes in The Son, will be saved? with all due respect, with Him being all-powerful n such, y can't He choose to also save those non-believers who haf done gd all their lives? so wad if they din believe in Jesus? if heaven does exist, aft saving e non-believer n putting him to heaven, wun he realise tt, hey, God does exist n He has saved me irregardless of my inability to recognise His presence when i was a mortal? isn't tt a far greater goal?

i am unable to accept tt Him being almighty, having such a big heart to cleanse e sins of right n wrong doers, being unable or unwilling to bring to heaven, some guy who has done gd all his life..

of cos, tis is but a hypothetical situation. pls do not take offence at it.

it does not address e underlying issue of y i find myself closing up to Christianity. it could b bcoz of e things i hear fr Christian frens, whether they tell me wittingly or unwittingly, n my forming my own impressions n interpretations conscious n unconsciously.

n perhaps, it's a slight exasperation tt, keepin tis in mind, a Christian gf / wife is a distant story for me. there r conflicts in life, but i slowly realise, increasingly, tt none r too big to handle than those tt centre around beliefs. n none too hard to reconcile than religious ones.

n it's making me tink too hard.