Relieve..

i feel relieved.. i can finally put my projs behind me n really start studyin. probably not so much abt e studying bah.. cos i'm not someone who's obsessed with my individual results, usu setting a minimum criteria n den meeting them. of cos i feel e disappointment (too often i did) but they always pass me by. but projs r different. in projs, i'm not doin for myself. there r other ppl inside n how each individual work affects e rest. i guess i can draw e parallel here b/w e concept of social responsibility in the press n my attitude towards grp projs bah.

now e prob comes when i'm involved in sth i'm totally poor at doin (in tis case, IT. more specifically, photoshop dreamweaver fireworks n MACINTOSH). i feel crappy cos in e first place, i'm not a design person. in other words, i'm devoid of creativity. tis, in CM (championship manager) terms reflects as "Creativity = 1" (upon 20, for e uninformed). and workin on all tt alien software certainly doesn't help my cause. so to make up for e lack in these areas, wat can i do? i mean, hey, i haf to do stuff to cover up for these holes dun i?

i work.

even if it means i gotta work til 4am every nite; even if it means i sacrifice my sleep to get stuff done; even if it means i look v gloomy n glum n dull (which i look like EVERY other day ANIWAEZ). Bcoz tis thing is NOT abt me. there's a collective goal tt MUZ b reached, isn't there? so since i duno how to use e software, shldn't e least i do, be to work hard at e software? wat others take 15mins to finalise n execute, i'll take 50mins (hey, it's not like i reali wan to take so much time ok...) to complete. BUT i complete it. at least tt makes me useful.

so i dun get enuf sleep. so i look like i'm goin to collapse anytime. so my head sways a lil' more during mass gatherings in airconditioned enclosed seating places. so i start losing some appetite. so... so wat? my concern is i get it done. and hopefully i get it done well enuf too. and if i do, tt'll bring me much cheer. although i may not reflect it overtly (bcoz e feeling of tiredness is much more overwhelming) but hey, i feel content. i feel like, i can do tis MORE. n i see e grp progress. wat can b more satisfying (other than getting a gd grade for e effort)?

tis is me.. isit? i feel, somehow, tis underlying feeling tt i'm juz hiding under e notion of GRP work. it's for e grp. i muz play my part. wats e actual driving force? more n more so, i tink i'm doin it for MYSELF. EGOISM. y? well if i can't do it, y not juz ask someone else to do it? y muz i b e one to do it? (bcoz I get e satisfaction) y can't it someone else who stays up late to do it? y muz i b e one who stays up late? (bcoz I get e satisfaction) so it's ALL abt me isn't it?

i'm juz a selfish pig.

increasingly, i tink i'm actually selfish. i juz portray myself as a collective player, always tinkin of e grp. portraying myself as a willing sacrificing party.

do i, really?

i duno. i bet ur last dollar u'll b saying "aiyoh, u tink too much."

self discovery is forever, isn't it? 此中包含的, 其实就是"活到老学到老"的意味.. 对吗?

so, pls dun feel tt i've been doin a lot -- bcoz i din. pls dun feel tt i've put in a lot of effort -- bcoz there's an egoistic motive. pls dun overcredit me -- bcoz i dun deserve it.

yes, tt's e word isn't it? deserving. i dun feel deserving. so dun treat me. i dun deserve it. i juz played my part, e way i wanted to play my part. in a sense, i manipulated my role. in a sense, i monopolised my role. in a sense, i was an evil party.

but i'm realli glad it's all done. completed. and i've learnt a lot, from myself, from my grpmates, from other ppl (tutor n frens alike). and i give thanks. truely.

i nv, in my 20 yrs of life, had a proj tt brought abt so much self discovery. in a life tt's been filled with changes n changes to my being a person, i've found much more to learn yet again. on a lighter note, Mos Burger w/o unagi rice burger, will nv b e same again to me. but i shall take heart in strawberry shake, for as long as it will last.